On any given day, I usually don't like to be alone. I run from my problems and when I'm alone I think. Thinking means facing your problems and I just don't do that too well. If you haven't noticed, sarcasm is my defense mechanism. Ya know...laughing? Yeah, I'm pretty good at that. It's my thing. If you ain't laughing, you ain't living. And ain't nobody got time for dat.
On this particular day, I couldn't laugh though. I had a million things going through my head, a to-do list a mile long, time was running out and no matter what I did, I couldn't breathe. All of the time in the world wouldn't be enough for me to do what needed to be done. I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I surely didn't want to think about or discus any options (and don't call me Shirley). I just wanted time to stand still for one second so I could breathe. I needed the beach. I needed to stick my toes in the water, sit my butt in that hot sand, and face the simple fact that I'm alone.
I really just planned on sitting there until I could courage up enough strength to get back up and face my reality. My intent was to miraculously learn how to turn that emotional switch of mine back on and turn off my ability to not give a crap anymore when I've had enough. However, someone had other plans for me. I remembered I had my camera and the sun was starting to lower. Perfection. I ate pizza and had a brewsky, I switched up some lenses, and I played around with sunset/twilight settings for a bit as the sun came down over the sand dunes. I made sure I soaked up the beauty of that sunset without only looking through the lens though.
I didn't leave there with all my of life problems solved. My to-do list was a mile longer than it was before, I discovered a cavity, and I had the dirtiest feet to accompany the sand in my eyes. But, I could breathe again. For two hours, I could take enough deep breaths to get me to the next day. Tomorrow is always a new day. For two hours, I was able to put my problems on the back burner and focus my attention on my relationship with God and my purpose in this life he gave me. It's hard, and at times I just want to scream, to pout, and have a full on Walmart toddler tantrum. But I know that although this may feel like the end of the world for me, it's not. I may not be the most religious person to ever walk this earth, and I'll be the first to admit I don't always act as a Christian should...but, I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a God that loves me and there's nothing he won't throw at me that I can't handle.
My mother did a remarkable job at raising a strong, independent, and level headed woman. I may have gave her a hard time and tested every area I could manage growing up. But my Momma taught me to fight for what I want, fight for what I believe in, fight for what is right. and I'll be danged if I'm going let her down now.
I will overcome this, it's that simple.